So much I want to say
by God's-Nightmare
Summary: Buffy realises she has fallen in love with Spike, but she doesn't know how to tell him. Set in Season 6, after that eppy where she tells him about Heaven. SPUFFY!M rating to be safe
1. DustBoy

Buffy chewed the end of her pen quietly, struggling to find the words.

_'Dear Spike,' _She bega n, then scribbled the words out so furiously that the paper ripped. She sighed, gripped her pen firmly and got another piece of paper.

_'Hey, Dust Boy...'_

She stared blankly at the paper for a few seconds, and realised how stupid the words sounded. She screwed the paper up into a little ball and threw it on the floor with the many others.

_He doesn't like you,_She thought firmly. _Slayer-Vampire. Slayer kill Vampire._

It was no use. She had to tell him somehow. She took another piece of paper from the diminishing pile and began again:

_I can't help the way I feel...The words you gave me..._

Roses flowed from her pen and grew around the words as she drew them idly, thinking. She embossed them with prickling thorns and paused to read it through, realising that she hadn't mentioned anything that she should have.

"The words you gave?" She muttered,annoyed, "Which? 'Slayer', 'luv' or 'pet'?" She scribbled at the offending page and launched it over her shoulder.

"Slayer's my personal favourite,"A voice said from behind her.

She turned around quickly, remembering the open window and cursing herself. Spike grinned down her as if he could read her thoughts.

"You must be, what, like 200-and-something now. I can't believe you survived the climb." She said in her usual mocking manner.

"Window open, light on." He replied, slipping off his duster and sitting on the floor. "Slayer's had a bath in expensive perfume." He added with a grin.

Buffy couldn't resist the temptation to smile.

"I did not _bathe_ in it!" She said defensively."It's my favourite."

"I know that, luv.'S'just, maybe you should think about the expenses..."

Buffy rolled her eyes and sighed in what she hoped was a bored manner.

"Have you been talking to Will? 'Cause we don't have money problems. We're money-happy. Money money money. We're rolling in-" She caught his eye and trailed off.

"No money problems, fine, pet. No need to get so worked up 'bout it." He added with a raised eyebrow.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" She asked, her tone suddenly brisk.

"Comin' to ask you 'bout patrollin' tonight. There's this guy...big on the evil." He waved a hand vaguely.

"Oh yeah? 'Cause, y'know, normal people use the front door." It was her turn to raise an eyebrow.

"Didn't wanna wake Nibblet up...She's all scary teenager."

"'Scary teenager'? _So_ bad at lying..."

"Well...you jumped on me, pet,"He began, grinning when he saw her blush. "I mean, surprised me. You surprised me."

"I know." Buffy muttered, knowing how stupid it was to get so embarrassed at a simple phrase."Anyway, about patrolling..." She added quickly.

"You up for it, luv?" He watched her blush again.

"Yeah. I'm up for...patrolling. I'll come patrolling." Buffy grabbed a stake from her desk and held it, making stabbing motions in thin air.

Spike raised an eyebrow, slightly dubious about the pyjamas she was wearing, but not wanting to say so with a stake at such close proximity. He pulled his duster back on and took a cigarette from one of the pockets.

"Don't you _dare_ light that in here." Buffy warned, waving the stake.Spike was the only one she knew that smoked, and if her room stank the next morning, it'd be pretty obvious who had been there.

He raised his hands above his head, then put the cigarette back in his pocket.

"Can we go, pet?" He asked, ducking out of the window and preparing to climb out.

"Keep your teeth on, Dust-Boy." She muttered, but followed him out of the window and into the dark.

Spike reached the floor before she did, springing like a cat and landing on two feet. Buffy was normally good at climbing, but the thought of him watching her, probably eyeing her ass, made her feel uncomfortable and dizzy. She didn't want to give in and ask him for help, so she wobbled, holding onto the window frame, her feet dangling uselessly.

"Help me, don't just stand watching!"She gasped finally as her hand slipped. He moved forwards, sighing, and stood beneath where she hung.

"Let yourself go, I'll catch you," He reassured her gently. Her spine tingled at the sound of his voice, and, after flailing about for a few minutes, she let go.

Almost at once, Spike had caught her, and there was a frozen moment where she was in his arms, her head resting on his shoulder, and his hands cradling her like a baby. She breathed in his comforting smell of smoke and musky aftershave...

Then the moment was gone, and Spike gently let her slide to the ground.

"C'mon. Let's get that stake of yours working," Spike mumbled, striding off into the night.

He was confused. Ok, maybe that wasn't so new, but he was still confused.

_The Slayer writing stuff 'bout me? _He wondered, watching her stare at the floor as she walked beside him. Her feet were bare, and she shivered in a sudden breeze.

He took off his duster and offered it to her. She stared at it, almost like itwas poisonous.

_She still hates me, then._

"Pet, have you seen what you're wearing? Just put it on, or we'll never get anything done." He said, almost like a command.

Buffy touched the leather and pulled it on. It fell toher ankles, and she giggled. Spike smirked.

"_C'mon_, luv. by the time we get goin' all the vamps'll have gone home to bed. Then I _will_ be bloody Dust-Boy."

"No blood, just dust. _Dust Boy." _She added, raising her stake again and walking to keep up with him.

They arrived at thecemetary a few comments later. Spike leant against a gravestone and lit a cigarette, inhaling like his un-life depended on it.

"Now who's taking their time?" Buffy sat next to him, rolling her eyes.

"What's the point, though, luv? We've not patrolled _normally _since you came back."

"True." Buffy didn't even flinch at this reference to her death. She knew, deep down, that Spike understood her more than anyone, and it seemed to muffle the pain.

"I'm glad I did, though," She added slowly, realising that _this_ would be a great time to tell him.

Spike looked surprised, and she stared right into his eyes. The colour reminded her of sky, of cornflowers, of the beautiful heaven that she had left behind.

"Why's that?" He asked curiously. The way he said it made her heart hammer in her chest, and she look down at her shoes again, embarassed.

"Well...I guess, getting to-" She paused. It felt like all the moisture had left her mouth. She coughed and managed a smile. "Getting to-know _you_." She mumbled, blushing purple.

Spike's smile, she was sure, could have melted a glacier.

"Nice to know, pet,"

"They said you cried." She said, looking up into his eyes again. The smile faded, and he seemed to freeze.

He nodded, finally.

"Think I cried everyday. Cried myself to sleep. Cried after patrollin'. Cried in my dreams."

Buffy felt tears creeping up on her. He sounded so sad,so alone. She lifted his chin so that he was looking at her, before she kissed him lightly.

"I'm here now," She whispered, and held him close to her, so close that she felt she couldn't ever let go.


	2. Longing

_(I know that Buffy isn't an artist...But I couldn't resist adding it in! It seems so right with the story! Enjoy!)_

Buffy slunk in through the front door, shivering in her pyjamas. She glanced at the clock, realising with a jolt that she had been gone for six and a half hours.

_Please, God,I never asked for anything before, but please, let Dawnie still be asleep! _She thought frantically, closing the door behind her with a snap that was definitely too loud for half six on a Sunday morning. She ran her fingers through her wet hair and crept into the kitchen.

Dawn was sat at the counter, eating cereal and reading a book. When she heard Buffy come in she pushed her bowl forwards and folded her arms.

"Where have you been?" She asked.

"Uh...oh, me? I...uh...went out..."Dawn raised her eyebrows. "For a walk..."Buffy finished lamely, collapsing onto a stool next to her sister.

"Uh-huh? You went out for a walk, at six a.m, and you miraculously come back wearing Spike's coat?" Dawn did an eye-roll that Buffy herself would've been proud of, and carried on eating.

"What...this old thing? This is...have you never seen _this_?" Buffy lied quickly."It's been in my closet for years!"

"I've tried on every single thing you've got in that closet, Buffy." Dawn said. "And I've never seen that in my life."

"O-k...well, maybe it wasn't in the _closet-_"

Dawn raised an eyebrow and reached into one of the pockets of the duster, producing a silver plated lighter and a packet of cigarettes. She dumped them on the table in between them.

"Face it, Buffy. You were out with Spike, and you lost track of time." She told her, emphasizing each point with a wave of her milky spoon. She paused, took another mouthful, then said, spraying cereal everywhere:"Can I have the coat?"

"No!" Buffy snapped, hugging her shoulders protectively. "And this _isn't_ Spike's, I _told _you. It's mine." She snatched the cigarettes and lighter and walked out of the room.

"Whatever."Dawn called after her, and Buffy silently cursed her sister for figuring her out so easily.

"Need some sleep," Buffy muttered a few minutes later, staggering through the piles of paper still littering the floor. "Just for a few minutes..."

* * *

"D'you think we should wake her up?" 

Willow and Tara were stood outside Buffy's bedroom door. Her deep breathing was audible. Willow chewed her lip and looked worried.

"She's gonna be late if we don't..."

"How long's she been asleep?"

"Six or so hours, according to Dawnie." Willow said, checking her watch. Tara gave her a look. "Ok, we'll wake her up."

They went into Buffy's room. She was curled into a small leather ball on the bed.

"Buffy...Time to rise and shine!" Willow called softly, opening the curtians with a wave of her finger. An irritated look passed over Tara's face, but she didn't pursue it.

"Job interview!"Tara added. Buffy's sleeping face clouded over, and she slowly opened her eyes with a groan.

"What...what time is it?"

"Twelve. You've got an interview at the Studio at one."

Buffy groaned and swore loudly.

"'Kay. I'm comin'" She mumbled, and they left.

She turned over and dozed off for a few seconds, then dragged herself out of bed.

In about half an hour, she had showered, dressed, plucked, preened, moisturised, practised her sociable voice in the mirror and yelled frustratedly at Dawn when she couldn't find her portfolio. She flicked through it now, wondering if they were too amateur to be considered good enough to sell.

She paused at a sketch she had done of Spike. It was mid-head-tilt, his hair curled at the corners. She had drawn it in charcoal the night she had come back. The eyes were the only sources of colour on the page, done in blue-chalk tones. Even the picture-Spike's gaze made her want to melt.

"Buffy!" Dawn came and sat net to her on the sofa. "Wow." She said softly, staring at the picture. "That's really cool."

"Yeah, I really should be going now..."

"You really-"

Buffy grabbed Spike's jacket and pulled it on-it was her good-luck charm.

"So, so late, y'know, late late late!" She babbled.

"Love him-"

"Wish me luck, I'll bring dinner back with me!"

"Don't you?" Dawn added softly, but the door had already closed behind her sister...

* * *

"You do realise that this is a full-time job, Miss Summers."

Buffy nodded and tried her sociable voice.

"Yeah. I know, I'd probably have to make sacrifices-" The woman folded her arms in a final sort of way. "But, y'know, that's ok. I can deal."

"Ok. You see, I need someone who can be devoted, devoted to the job and the work."Buffynodded, desperate now, wondering where she was going with this. "I love your work, Miss Summers. I just don't think you're cut out for the job."

"Ok. Yeah, that's fine," Buffy lied, knowing that it was far from fine.

"While you're still looking, I hear there are some vacancies downtown. You should go down there."

"Will do! Thanks again. Bye." She gave a last false smile and fled from the room.

* * *

Buffy knocked on the crypt desperately. She had a bag of blood and groceries clutched in her arms, along with her rejected artwork,and was almost near to tears. There were some old women with flowers giving her strange looks.

"Spike! If you don't get out here now you _will be Dust-Boy!" _She hollered, and he opened the door as cool as ice and smelling of soap.

"Good Evenin'," He called to the two women, who looked shocked and muttered to each other. Buffy laughed as Spike closed the door, and placed the bag on the stone coffin.

"'Kay, gotcha some weetabix, blood, uh...nutmeg, chicken, candles, matches, and cigarettes." She said as she took each item out of the bag.

"It went wrong, didn't it, pet?"

She turned to face him and her shoulders sagged, changing her entire stance.

"She said I should look downtown. I swear she thought I was looking for some call-girl job."Buffy said.

Spike walked over to her and she rested her head on his chest without thinking.

"It's ok, luv," He reassured her. "Bloody ponces, the lot of 'em."

She moved away from him, embarrassed, and gestured at the groceries.

"What's with the nutmeg?" She asked, sniffing at the small bottle.

"Makes the blood taste better." Spike informed her, pleased to see that she didn't even seem disgusted."So, what do I owe you for all that?"

"Nothing." Buffy looked startled. She had gone shopping for Spike for the simple reason that she had wanted to. It was a good way to learn what he liked and what he didn't.

"Don't be stupid, pet," He said with a grin that made her legs wobble.

"I needed some stuff." Buffy lied. "I told Dawnie I'd get dinner."

"Well, shouldn't you be there now, then, pet?"

"I rang. Said I was doing a quick patrol. Y'know," Buffy gestured.

"Like yesterday?" Spike said quietly.

"Oh, God. I'm sorry." Last night's patrol flooded back to her andshe remembered how upset he had been.

"It's 'k, luv. Anytime. I'll always be waiting."

Buffy perched on the stone coffin, and Spike walked and sat next to her. It was almost as if the silence was saying all the things that they weren't.

"You've not said it yet." Spike said when their eyes met.

"Said what?" Buffy could feel herself falling deeper and deeper into Spike's eyes.

"That you didn't mean it. That I was pathetic, thinking that it meant more than it did." He said, breaking her gaze momentarily.

"Well, it did. I..."She paused. The heat of his gaze made her want to hold onto him and never let go, but she swallowed and carried on. "I did it because...I love you, Spike."


	3. Apologies

_A/N: I alwayshated author's notes at the beginning of crucial chapters-I never thought I'd write one myself, lol! This chapter has major fluff in it, V. OTT in places! Sorry, but, enjoy!_

Spike didn't say anything. He looked at the floor and didn't move. Buffy was scared that she had upset him-her heart was hammering three times faster than normal and all she wanted was for the Earth to swallow her up whole.

_You've blown it now. He doesn't love you at all, you just thought he did, and now you've ruined everything._ A niggling voice in the back of her head told her.

"I-I'm sorry. Maybe I should just...Dawnie's..."She babbled, standing up.

Spike stood up too, and turned to face her. There were tears in his eyes, but he was smiling. In spite of herself, Buffy felt the familiar shaking feeling in her stomach.

"Where are you going, luv?" He asked softly, brushing the hair away from her face gently.

"I-I...they're waiting for me." Buffy said lamely, unable to break his gaze. She was falling into those amazing eyes, so hot she knew she _had_ to be melting. Spike had reduced her to a puddle of incoherent gloop.

His eyes searched her face. There was such a look of longing on his face that Buffy herself was surprised.

"Love you too, pet," He said. They were so close now that his eyes had merged into a blue blur, she could barely see, hardly dared to breathe. She was paralysed to the spot, unable to move.

In a second the space between them was gone, Spike kissed her passionately for what seemed like an eternity, and then he held her tightly in his arms, her scent making him almost delirious. She kissed his neck, before resting her head on his shoulder with a sigh.

"What are we going to do?" Buffy mumbled into his shoulder.

"I've got a few ideas," Spike said, grinning.

Buffy slapped him gently around the head and rested herself into his arms again.

"Not _that._ Not now." She said,even though desireseemed to have replaced all her common sense.

He gave a mock sigh of exasperation. Buffy laughed, nuzzling into him.

" 'S weird," Spike commented, rocking her gently forwards and backwards.

"What's weird?" Buffy said peacefully. Nothing Spike said could ruin this moment.

"One minute you're rejectin' me, the next, this."

Buffy lifted her head to look into his eyes. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but decided to pretend not to.

"Rejecting you?" She repeated.

"'S'nothin', pet. Got out of it with a few bruises, is all." Spike smiled at the memory.

Buffy thought back to all the times she had hurt Spike, laughed and taunted him, and told him he was worthless. Tears of shame prickled her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She said, feeling terrible. Spike looked down at her with a warmth he never thought he would experience.

"It's ok, Buffy, like I said." He tilted his head to one side and looked at her witha smile.

Buffy felt so happy that she knew she would cry again, and laughed inwardlyat the strangeness of it all.

"I could just take that, put it in my pocket and it'd keep me warm all winter." She told him, tracing the lines of his face with a single finger.

"What?" Spike trapped her hand in his.

"Your smile."

Spike smiled again and kissed her fingers while they were still twined with his.

Buffy used her free hand to pull his head closer to hers, and kissed him gently, happier than she could ever remember.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike kissed her again at the door of the crypt, his hand tracing her stomach through her shirt.

"Don't," Buffy moaned, melting into his touch.

"Best get going, pet." He broke touch reluctantly. "Dawnie'll be getting worried." He added.

"Oh God, they all will," Buffy groaned again, this time more out of frustration.

Spike pulled her to him one last time, whispering into her ear:

"I'll come to get my coat later."

Buffy kissed his forehead finallyand pointed at the crypt.

"Get inside, before someone sees you!"

Spike growled, touched her hand one final time, and closed the crypt door, separating them.

Buffy stared at the blank door for a few minutes, then walked slowly across the cemetary, dreading what everyone would say about how late she was.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Heyguys!" She called as soon as she had let herself in.

No one answered.

"Dawn? Will? Tara?"

Still nothing. Buffy checked the answer machine, and found a pink post-it note pinned to the reciever of the phone:

_Hey, Buff!_

_We took Dawnie to the Magic Box-Giles says there's a new evil that needs searching out._

_How was you interview?Dawnie says she's found some other jobs you might on over whatever time you want!_

_love,_

_Willowx_

'Come over whatever time you want'...Buffy decided that that was a great idea, and decided to have a shower.

The hot water made her feel clean, and she took the time to think about what to do.

_I could tell Dawn...And I don't think Tara would mind so much...It's just...Giles'd freak, and Will and Xander'd probably think I was joking..._

She had just finished rinsing her hair when the phone rang.

"I'm coming!" She called to nobody in particular, putting on her favourite black bathrobe and letting her hair drip all the way down the stairs.

"Hello?"

"Hey Buff, thank God you're back! We were all getting worried."

"Xander! Oh, I just stopped to have a shower, y'know...Me Time." Buffy couldn't help feeling disappointed-For a second she had hoped that it would be Spike.

"That's ok. Listen, could you come over here? We've found the demony evil...He seems pretty easy-"

She could hear Anya calling from somewhere: "Tell her he's cute and fluffy!"

"Not now, An. Er...Buff?"

"Yuh-huh." Buffy played with a strand of her wet hair, waiting, all ready to make an excuse that meant she _didn't _have to go over there and fight this demony fluffy evil thing.

"Spike's here. He says he owes you something? Can you just come so you can chuck him out?"

"I'm on my way!" Buffy said quickly, slamming the phone down.


	4. Gifts

"I think there should be an amount of...we should all agree!" Giles announced.

"Not necessarily. Certian scenarios prove that agreeing just...messes stuff up." Anya commented.

"Ok, can we all just calm down. Look at this objectively. A vote."

Buffy yawned.

"Oh, it's ok, you carry on!" She told them, sinking further back into her chair.

"I say hot chocolate." Willow added, before turning to Buffy. "What's up?"

"Xander said...oh, it doesn't matter. Has Spike been here?"

"Uh...yeah...Xander threw him out. He was messing around, y'know."

"Is that why you're all Sigh Girl while Xander discusses the pros and cons of hot chocolate?" Willow said. "Because he threw Spike out?"

"I'm all 'Sigh Girl' 'cause I wanted to kick his ass!" Buffy said, a bit too emphatically. "I'm sorry, Will." She added in a quieter voice.

"It's fine." Willow sighed, turning back to the discussion.

"Could someone get me...the spears from the basement? They need cataloguing." Giles asked, sitting down and straightening the pile of forms at the table.

Buffy got up and went downstairs. It was dark, and colder than outside the shop.

"Spears, spears, spears. Where are the-"

"Which ones? With a skull-mojo thing on the handle, or with Made Definitely _not_ in China on the back?"

"Spike." Buffy said, trying not to sound too enthusiastic.

"Buffy." He said. Even though she wasn't facing him, she knew he was smiling. "You've changed. Showered."

"Ok, it's just plain creepy the way you know that." She smiled, turning to face him. He threw the spears on a nearby table. Buffy noticed he had re-done his hair, probably washed it.

"How are you,pet?" He asked moving towards her.

"I'm good. Curious, happy, bored, all in one." She told him. "So...Yeah. Good."

Spike drew her to him, holding her close.

"Could get used to this, luv." He murmured, drinking in her scent.

"Mmm..." She sighed happily. Spike stroked her hair.

"Got to get back upstairs." Buffy protested feebly. "Giles needs to catalogue the spears."

"Old Watcher can shove the spears somewhere painful." Spike said with a growl.

"Uh-huh." Buffy looked up at him, and they kissed compatibly.

"Got to go..." Buffy said, straightening herself. Then she remembered. "Xander said...that you said you _owed_ me something."

"_Owed_ you something..." Spike repeated mysteriously.

"Spike!"

"Ok. I wasn't gonna-I was goin' to-" Spike paused to gather his words. "Oh, just take it."

He took a small box from his pocket and gave it to her. Buffy turned it over in her hands wordlessly.

"It's-"

"It's _inside_ the box, luv." Spike informed her, and she elbowed him with a laugh.

"I _know_ that."

Buffy moved backwards and sat down on the table, still turning the box in her hands. Spike sat next to her.

She held her breath and lifted the lid on the box.

It was a locket. Small and delicately heart-shaped. She opened it gently. Where there usually would have been a picture, there was a small ingraving instead:

_Can't escape my love, pet. No matter how hard you try, you can't._

"I was drunk. Few months back, before...Anyway, I thought I'd buy you somethin', leave it on the doorstep so you'd find it. The guy at the engravers took down exactly what I said. You can put a picture in the other side, or over the top of that, if you want-"

Spike's words were cut off when Buffy turned and kissed him...


End file.
